A New Year’s tradition.

2006 is almost gone. It wasn’t a bad year, certainly not the greatest but, I’ve had significantly worse.

2006 started off rather inauspiciously as New Year’s Eve found me going up to a local hospital to sit with the EYOC who at the time was very, very ill.

I haven’t spoken so much of the EYOC this year. It’s because there really hasn’t been much to say at least in the way of news. The EYOC had a massive heart attack back in September of ’05 and pretty much all of my time over the next four months was devoted to the adventure and fallout resulting from the incident.

I’m not a pity junkie though, there’s just nothing to be gained by looking at the world that way or trying to elicit the pity of others, and it’s not as if anyone should feel bad for me. As tough a time it was for me and it was a lot tougher for the EYOC. Many things happened and truthfully, I found myself pleasantly surprised by some people and horribly disappointed in others. There was a lot of turmoil and chaos but, somehow both the EYOC and I navigated the treacherous waters.

That first day in the hospital, a doctor turned to me at one point and made it fairly clear I shouldn’t expect the EYOC to make it past that night but, even though I was scared (as scared as the EYOC was), I knew what a tough guy he is. Sure enough, he made it past that night and a whole bunch of others. Four months of trips to various facilities and quite a few scares but, he’s still here.

It’s been tough, he’s deteriorated but, given his heart functions only at 20% of capacity, his will to fight against the ravages of time is truly herculean. There have been good days and bad. I don’t think he ever appreciated just how vital and active he was until the last year and that’s assuming he is entirely aware of what he lost. Times are he seems very much like himself and other times he just seems to have taken a bit of a journey into his own past.

As scary as things were though for that four months, the year has been a relatively quiet one. He’s been cared for, looked after and very well-tended and I am thankful for that.

He’s been comfortable.

It’s been a change though, as I spent a lot of time over the last fifteen years taking care of him. It was a job which only grew tougher with the passage of time and suddenly one day I was done. Well, maybe not done but, all the brass tacks kind of daily care which took up a lot (if not all) of my time reduced significantly... it’s been strange.

Strange, if only because for the first time in a long time, I am forced to take stock of my own life and ask myself what I want. Though I am at a certain point in life, I still feel there is an abundance of opportunity out there for me to pursue. The interesting thing is the approach to the decision given my perspective and my experiences which shape the things I would seek out. Suffice to say, they are very different from what I would have set as goals as a younger man.

The moment of reflection though, of relative quiet, is broken. Reality intrudes and I find myself back at the hospital again - another New Year, another hospital stay.

Today when I saw him, he looked frail and withered. He wasn’t in pain (which I am thankful for) but, the toll the last fifteen months have taken on him is evident. Surprisingly he is more comfortable than during previous visits to the hospital. He labors more and seems more drained by the battle he has fought. Another heart attack has taken place and I wonder what the next few days will bring.

The thing I find eerie, the thing which scares me the most is the sense of calm around him, not agony, not pain, just serenity and acceptance.

He is sleeping when I come in but after a minute or so of prodding opens his eyes, recognizes me and smiles. I am good at this, pretending as if for all the world everything is normal and engaging him in banter asking when he is going to play handball again or teasing him just a bit. The conversation takes strange paths down impossible avenues where he talks about wanting to go for a drive and I allow myself to go with the flow.

He dozes off again and after a discussion with the doctor and a bath by the nurses he seems more alert and we resume the conversation once more. But, when he turns to me at one point and pointedly begins a statement with, ‘I don’t have a lot of time left...’ I find it is all I can do to maintain my composure.

While he is at the facility, I am able to feel at peace and not worry about him because I know he is looked after but, at the hospital I think the prospect of something bad happening increases exponentially. I’m not implying anything bad about the personnel at the hospital either because I see how hard their job is. It’s just the exposure to so many more things which can make the situation worse are evident. The slightest infection which a normal person would struggle with but ultimately fight off now becomes a dance with death.

It’s not like I had any big plans but, I have to say of all the places I would rather be on New Year’s Eve, a hospital isn’t one I would ever pick. It’s a lousy way to bookend a year, I can only hope for the best.